Homesickness

[Unregistered]

My 18 year old son is three days into his first sea trip, and is dreadfully homesick. He is calling home, distressed and saying that he wants to come home. We are trying to encourage him that he has not given it enough time to be sure, but it is really difficult to hear him being so upset. This is what he has always wanted to do, how do we know if it is just homesickness or if this is totally the wrong thing for him to be doing? He seems to be ok when he is working, but is spending his free time alone in his cabin. Any advice please?

[Steve]

How well did he cope with being away from home during the first phase at college?

[jcwilson91]

Two cadets in my college, quit before they finished the first fortnight, they both ended up regretting it. Some quit after 2 months and found they made the right choice by leaving as it wasn't for them.

What has he got in the way of entertaining himself while he is on board, I found that when I was a cadet, I spent some free time on the bridge asking questions (I am an engineer), as this was not where I was spending my day working, I found it interesting and it became a hobby, so now I have some knowledge of how the bridge equipment works.

There are plenty of things to do on board if you try looking for them, try suggesting to him that he make's a point of not going to his cabin other than to shower and sleep, if he wants to study, use the ECR/Bridge depending on his chosen field, or the recreation room.

I also found that if you start to spend some time with the crew on board they are masters of entertainment and often more fun that some of the officers who can have certain cylindrical objects up there arse. I have always had Filipino crew, they always like a bit of karaoke, card games and are generally quite interested in listening to your stories.

Here are a list of things I've used previously to kill time:-

Learning to juggle, card tricks, playing guitar (if available), pestering people about there language and asking them to teach you some simple skills, finding out about how life is in their country, figuring out how to 'shuffle', gym, staring out at the sea and planning my future, learning how to tie certain knots (hangman's noose, monkey fist, a lasso etc), read the bible (I'm not religious, but it is an interesting read and you can learn a lot from it), being nosey and checking every cupboard and door on the ship, maybe you'll find something interesting...


I was 19 when I went away first time, I found it hard but you really do have to learn how to pre occupy yourself.

Hope he settles down and things work out!

All the best!

[Midge]

Posts in the past have had comments about this subject , from what I recall staying in your cabin and not socialising doesn't help, and everyone gets homesick at some point.
From you post what you say he's fine when he's working, which suggests it's not the job. You don' t mention if he's the only cadet, or if any of the crew are native speakers.
Im guessing it being so close to Christmas won't help, as he will be thinking about what everyone else is doing at home.
As a parent whose child was at a boarding school for a while, the term after Christmas was the worst one, all the excitement of Christmas and family and then back to school, in a strange way this is similar, just back to front. Parents who have had a boarder will know exactly what I mean. They do settle down ,but there is a difference between an 11 year old and someone who is 18. Mine doesn't get homesick at all he learnt from that early experience how to deal with it. They have to get out and socialise and stay away from being on their own.
I have friends whose offspring are at uni and one in their second year is really really homesick this term, but had no problem last year, the difference being they are in a flat and not sharing a cluster flat in halls like last year.
There comes a point too where they realise that they are grown up and some feel suddenly they are on 'their own' and it comes as a bit of a shock.
You are quite right it is far too early to give in yet, being in contact can make it seem worse as there is the point where someone has to end the call and if that's you, and I bet it is, it does leave you feeling guilty that you haven't 'solved' the problem, and you know that they are still upset.

Has he said what it is he doesn't like at all? Or are you getting the 'everything get me out if here' thing?

Anyway I'm sure the experienced old sea dogs will pop along with their stories of how they manage at some point.
Sadly as parents even when they have grown up they throw the odd wobble and expect us to have an answer, unfortunately they aren't born with an instruction manual with a trouble shooting section at the end, it would be so useful if they did!
Stay strong.

[Galley Slave]

@OP, your son is phoning you as you are his source of love and reassurance. Stay calm, keep making all the right comments and encourage him to mix. No matter what cadet phase or even as qualified officers it is always difficult the first few days away.
if you want to talk further feel free to pm me.

[Unregistered]

Thank you all for your responses. I have just spoken to my son again, and after speaking to some of the officers on board about how he is feeling he is already starting to sound more positive. I think he will still be up and down a bit for a while, but hopefully we are over the worst of it. We are encouraging him to leave the cabin and make an effort to speak to other people. Later in the week he is being joined by another cadet that he has been training with, and they will be sharing a cabin so we are hopeful that this will be a boost for him. It is just so difficult being so far away and being unable to do much to help.

Thank you all again.

[The Kraken]

I don't mean to sound mean but sometimes a dose of realisation comes in handy. For instance you could say "Well you may feel like quitting now but I'd give it a few more weeks and then see how you feel. It's got to be better than working in an office, stacking shelves or paying through the nose for uni". This is what I told myself as a cadet doing a 6 and a half month trip (far too long), it certainly helped me.

[Albatross]

I detested my first 2-3 weeks onboard, it's not that uncommon, either.
Best of luck and I hope he changes his mind.

Alb.

[bobofinga]

Agree with Kraken , a bit of 'suck it up' can go along way. Granted Christmas away from family and friends is very difficult but we have all done it at one time or another. Keeping yourself busy is my top tip - reading books and going to the gym helps take my mind off things.

[Midge]

Thank you all for your responses. I have just spoken to my son again, and after speaking to some of the officers on board about how he is feeling he is already starting to sound more positive. I think he will still be up and down a bit for a while, but hopefully we are over the worst of it. We are encouraging him to leave the cabin and make an effort to speak to other people. Later in the week he is being joined by another cadet that he has been training with, and they will be sharing a cabin so we are hopeful that this will be a boost for him. It is just so difficult being so far away and being unable to do much to help.

Thank you all again.

Ahh having another cadet he knows will be very helpful, he did the right thing speaking to the other officers, they'll keep an eye on him I would expect.
That helpless feeling at distance is never great is it. I bet he's much better by the end of the week.

[YoungMariner]

Yes, that first few weeks is the hardest, but it does get better as you build a routine and get to know people onboard. The sounds, the smells, the culture, the life, everything is so different and it can be a but of a shock. I freely admit that I was ready to quit part way through my first trip, but eventually settled down.

[nelly]

I hope my offspring won't mind me posting on this topic. I am a parent of a recently qualified deck officer. I too have had distressing phone calls from a cadet at sea. It is very difficult to hear your child in distress especially when there isn't always anything you can do except listen. However one point my offspring made to me was that I only get the rants that can't be talked about to other people on the ship so I was automatically going to get the bad bits and not all the good bits. It is difficult being a sounding board but sometimes I think that is what's needed as your support for your off spring. I have in the past had private emails with people from this group and found it very helpful. Over time I have learnt to cope better with the phone calls etc. and I also think that my offspring has learnt to deal with situations at sea better too. So in my limited experience things do get better with time so hold on in there as parent and keep up the positivity to your son.

[jacloc]

nelly, you have put it in a nutshell. My cadet hated every ship they were sent on, for the first few days. I soon got used to the 'I hate it here', I made the right noises and after a week they had settled down and life was not that bad after all. Its just hard to hear and not being able to help, except to be someone to sound off to, we all feel better after a moan after all.

[SaltyDog49]

Nelly, your comment about being a sounding board is exactly the role a parent should be taking. The parent cannot, or should not, interfere with their lives, but just being there to listen to all the problems without being judgemental will do them a world of good. I have another daughter (not a cadet) who periodically phones up to 'rant' about problems with studies, idiotic team members, unjust lecturers decisions etc. But, after 30 or 40 minutes of that, she eventually realises that they are not major issues after all, that they can be managed, and she rings off in a much happier frame of mind. So, I wish your offspring all the best, mine will be setting out on her maiden voyage soon, so I have had the practice as being the sounding board.

[Unregistered]

Best thing you could do is not answer the phone and leave your child grow up and learn to cope on their own.