What can I do

[Unregistered]

I recently started a cadetship and to be honest it's all going fine but I end up in my bed most nights in tears.
I'm worried that I dont like staying where my college is and am starting to question going to sea. Part of me thinks a never wanted to. I only wanted it for the money. The thought petrified me. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Clanky]

It's a difficult question to answer. In the end you will have to decide what you are going to do.

Going to sea is not for everyone and if you decide that it's definitely not for you then you may be better to make that decision earlier rather than waste time on a cadetship which you will never finish, but give it a little time.

You need to sit down and figure out exactly what it is which is making you feel like this. Is it just missing home or is it the thought of a career which you don't feel you will be happy in.

It is not unusual to feel homesick if it is your first time away from home, and if that is the issue then it will get better.

How old are you?

[Unregistered]

I'm mid 20s so I feel I should be long past the whole homesick thing

[Chiefy]

Age has nothing to do with home sickness. In fact it can make it worse cos you are so much more self aware and know you "shouldn't" be feeling like this etc.

I still have periods like that usually on joining for a few days and then again when I am tiered and the ME has decided to die again for no reason and the day has been longer than feasible

As mentioned, have a think and see if you can pin it down a bit, that in and of it self will help you come to your decision...in the mean time....chin up and keep on smiling

[Unregistered]

Thanks. It just seems strange. It's something I've been trying to get in to for a couple years now and now that I've actually been given the chance I'm completely questioning the whole thing. There's also the panic that a lot of people helped me to get to this point and I feel I would be kitting them down if I didn't go through with it. I'm feeling very trapped.

[Midge]

One question is what would you do instead? As for homesickness it's not age restricted, but it can make you really question decisions, and look at life with a negative prospective.
I have no idea how long you have been at college, I'm presuming since September?
Christmas may be a factor, its such a happy close family time for most, then you go back to dreary weather, and being on your own it really is not a good time of year to feel positive.
Sometimes family saying we all miss you here its not the same without you isn't helpful when a person is feeling homesick.
If this is your first real away from home experience, and on top you have left friends and all of the normal activities that you probably did, it is no surprise that adapting to these changes can throw up, lots of questions.
Sometimes its the realisation that you've grown up and you are now in charge of your own destiny that's a bit daunting.
Perhaps you need to see what life is like at sea, before you make any major decision?
As for letting others down, it is your life which you have to live, we all make mistakes and make wrong decisions at some point, sometimes many before we get it right.
Don't rush into a big decision, are there others at college you can talk to?, I doubt you are the only one.

[Unregistered]

Thankyou for your reply. I agree that I should find out what sealife is like before making my decision. I'm just worried that the longer I leave it the more time I've waisted if I'm going to leave and it's only going to get harder but I guess it's the only way to find out if it's for me. As for being my own life I know that and I can't imagine many people blaming me if I did leave. It's more about the way I would feel about letting them down. What else would I do? That's part of the problem. It's taking me from leaving school till now to do this. I don't have time to spend another 5 to 10 years deciding what else to do.

[Midge]

Well I would hope those you feel you would be letting down, would prefer you to be happy. Some take a longtime to find the 'right thing' some do the wrong thing for quite a while before we realise its wrong too! Some of us don't realise its wrong until we find ourselves doing the 'something', and we think this is it this is what I've been looking for.
It is the way life is sometimes.
There are times when we can see people doing jobs and wonder why they do it, as they are clearly not happy.
At 20ish it might seem like a long time, I know someone who recently finished a degree at 82 she found her something eventually!
You won't be letting anyone down if you have clearly thought about it and given it a good try.
You might find writing down what you like and don't like, and looking to see if there are any jobs that fit.
Whatever you do don't rush you are still very young!!!

[Unregistered]

When you put it like that I guess I'm not that old. I'm definitely not going to rush the decision. It's just good to have people saying it's ok to leave if it's not right for you. I'm going to stick it out for a while in the hopes that I'm just going through a bad patch. Fingers crossed it will get better.

[Hatchorder]

I was one of those who went to boarding school as an 11 year old boy. I went through all you are talking about. Getting upset the first weeks, weekends were a crash and then going back after half term and feeling wretched and then going home for my first Christmas and then it all happened again.....

But it got better and easier and by the time I was in my second year I was an old hand. I would get the train to London, tube across London, coach to Luton and then a flight home to my parents - all unaccompanied....... ad no tears again at the start of term when I went back.

By the time I went to sea at 18 I was shocked to see guys who were 16 and 18 getting homesick, but it took me a time to realise that they were away from home for the first time in their lives. In my day Deckies did a 4 week induction until October and then went away to sea, which meant we were all away from home for Christmas the first year on ships. I had 20 year old guys sitting in my cabin, with a few beers inside them, bawling their eyes out and missing mum and I was totally bemused - but by that time I had been away from home for 7 years. Looking back now I understand it a lot more.

So....

My advice......

1) You are not letting anyone else down if you are not enjoying it - do something that makes you happy. Those that helped and who like you will understand and help you to change direction if need be.

2) You are not different to anyone else. We all feel homesickess at times, some earlier in life, some later. If you were to sit down and chat to your coursemates they will probably all be the same. That suddenly translates into "I'm normal" and you automatically feel better.

3) Whether it is now at college, or moving away from home for another job it will be the same - the college / company / distance makes no difference.

4) As you are old enough do not be tempted to have a few drinks to make you feel better - it is a depressive and an easy trap to fall into.

5) Give it time, but do not think that once you feel better now that it will be the end of it, you may feel it to a lesser extent each time you go home, but it gets less each time.

6) It is not a disease. Do not think that I am belittling it though, far from it. I am just trying to say that it is not life threatening and does pass with time - honestly.

7) Find someone to confide in - talking it over can help.

8) Don't be tempted to go home at weekends thinking it will help. The first year boarders were not allowed to go home on the first exeat weekend after a month because the housemasters knew it would unsettle them too much.

9) If at a loss contact me by PM - I will give you my number and we can sit and have a chat one evening.

Hang in there - trust everyone when they say it will pass. Don't give up on a dream until it becomes a nightmare (rather than just upsetting.)

Hope this helps.

Ian

[GuinnessMan]

If I was to say that the thought of "what the f*ck am I doing here!?" didn't enter my head every time I moved somewhere new, I'd be lying, but it is honestly something does pass with time. Without going into too much detail about myself, I know exactly what you're going through and just how tough it can be.

The only advice I can offer is stick in there and focus on the job in hand, that's what I've done and I've found it works for me. At the end of the day, the cadetship is just a means to an end and once you've finished you can always find work on ferries or something where you're not away for very long.

Same as Hatchorder says, don't hit the booze and if you do need someone to talk to you can always speak to one of us. Just drop a PM with your number on and I'll contact you.

[Unregistered]

thankyou both for your advice. Its good to hear from other people who have been through the cadetship that its not a strange thing. I am thinking that ikt probably is just nerves and they probably will pass in time. thankyou for letting me know I can contact you aswell if it comes to that. For some reason this morning I woke up all ready to go and just thinking when the hell are they gona let me go to sea. so its passed at the moment anyway. Thankyou very much

[Martyboy]

What college are you at? I'm always up for a few pints with people to take your mind off the whole "being away form home" thing I'm at STC, so if you're not here then...... can't really help much