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  • Miserable Cadet

    I am one of the few girls in third phase (deck).

    The basic thing is that I am miserable.... the lessons are no longer vaguely interesting or challenging, except the engineering ones but he skips over the technical stuff as we are meagre deckies. I used to love stability but that is over now. Also the prospect of going back to sea just fills me with a sense of foreboding.

    No one will talk to me anymore, been going on around two months and a few select cadets have decided that its their new purpose in life to be incredibly childish and effectively 'bully' me.

    What do I do?

    Thanks.

  • #2
    What college are you at?
    "Crazy like wild wolves threatened by fire, send them all to the bottom of the sea."

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    • #3
      Hey, which college are you at? PM me if you would rather not say. The important thing is that you talk to someone, are there any female lecturers around? How much longer do you have at college this phase? I've been there, believe me, and am here if you need to talk S4 xxx

      Size4riggerboots

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      • #4
        What do you think is getting you down? Female cadets and officers have always been cleverer and more sensible then us men

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        • #5
          Im at Warsash. I go back to sea in May which seems like ages. Tbh I think its mainly the people who are starting to get to me, started about two months ago and I thought it would have stopped by now but evidently not.

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          • #6
            I hope you are okay, that is not an easy situation to be in... are you a nautilus member? Get in touch with someone there if you feel the college is to 'close to home' they should be able to put you on the right course of what to do, right people to talk to... probably better ideas than me, but you are welcome to pm me too. Don't sit this out alone, lots of female mates have had tough times as trainees and even as mates.. sometimes it's good just to talk things through, we're all anonymous here if you need to keep things under wrap, but don't sit this out alone.

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            • #7
              Can you talk to your head of year/ a student support person/ a female lecturer/ any lecturer you get on well with? Have you spoken to your company training rep? As Laura says if they are all too close to home, then try Nautilus. I'd suggest it's a good idea to use the "chain of hierarchy" if you can.

              I'd really like you to pm me with some more details of what's been said/done/not done by the people who are making you feel like this, as I said, I've been there, maybe I could help. If not me, please do talk to someone, you're not alone.

              *Big squeezy hugs* S4

              Size4riggerboots

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              • #8
                Know feeling I am in the third phase and college is getting pretty dull. Just think you've only got a little over a year and you'll be qualified. You're well past halfway keep your eyes on the finish line.

                As for the childishness of some cadets it happens in every cass and probably isn't just aimed at you. Concentrate on your studies and laugh at childish folks when they fail things will make you feel better.

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                • #9
                  My first thought is that NOBODY should be bullied or tolerate being bullied so you MUST inform your employer and the college and then let the cards fall where they must. You have got to be brave and do that for yourself. Irrespective of anything you may have done or said, there is no justification for behaviour of this sort. You are supposed to be in an adult environment and it should not happen. FULL STOP.

                  Secondly there seems to be another strand to what you have said in that you are not enjoying the course, in that stability no longer does it for you and you are finding other lectures boring. You need to ask yourself why you no longer enjoy it. Have you gone off the whole idea of being a Deck Officer, or are there outside influences, or is it just what is going on that is preventing you from enjoying it?

                  In order to answer that you will need to sit down and talk it through with someone, possible someone who is unbiased and does not know you or your circumstances. I am sure that if you registered on the site and sent a PM to someone you wanted to talk it through with, possibly S4R or Laura, who are both qualified and possibly experienced in what you are going through, you could have a long chat and then sit down and think it through.

                  Whatever you do, do NOT act on impulse or anger at this stage. You may regret it later. As others have already said, perhaps you should get to May, only a couple of months away, and do another year at sea. Then you are months from qualifying and will never see the muppets again. During that year things may become clearer.

                  Whatever you do, do not suffer in silence. Help is all around you.

                  All the best.

                  Ian
                  "Any damn fool can navigate the world sober. It takes a really good sailor to do it drunk." - Sir Francis Chichester.
                  "Waves are not measured in feet or inches, they are measured in increments of fear." - Buzzy Trent

                  "Careers at Sea" Ambassador - Experience of General Cargo, Combo ships, Tanker, Product Carrier, Gas Carrier, Ro-Ro, Reefer Container, Anchor Handlers.

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                  • #10
                    Have to be clear it is bullying. Bullying the term is thrown around alot these days. Just because somebody is a twat doesn't make them a bully.

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                    • #11
                      If someone is being singled out for derision or is being purposefully excluded, in my book, that's bullying.

                      Size4riggerboots

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                      • #12
                        Singled out for derision, is certainly bullying. But what do you mean by purposefully excluded? If two guys from a class go to the pub are they bullies because they didn't invite the whole class?

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                        • #13
                          No, but if for example, someone organises a "class night out" and one person is not informed/invited, that may well be. It's never just one thing, believe me, it's a slow drip drip drip of being made to feel as if you're not wanted there, and no-one ever tells you why, because they can't actually give a solid reason. It is, I agree, a difficult thing to define, from either perspective, and sometimes, it's not intentional, it's unthinking on the part of the majority. Every situation is different, which is why I'm asking the OP to message one of us, I'm not in a position to make any kind of judgement call on it without more information.

                          What I do know, though, is that someone is so unhappy and feeling so isolated that they feel that the only option they have right now is to reach out to a bunch of strangers on the internet. They need our help right now, not our judgement.

                          Size4riggerboots

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Lewis View Post
                            Have to be clear it is bullying. Bullying the term is thrown around alot these days. Just because somebody is a twat doesn't make them a bully.
                            I absolutely agree with you Lewis, but it is easy for those who are engaged in being a "twat" to say it is just that, when in fact it is more. Same goes for a group of people. Their definition of high jinks or tomfoolery may be to other people bullying.

                            The same goes for those being bullied. They will often use any word to describe the actions of others but not bullying. They are fearful of being bullied more if they speak out against being made miserable by other peoples actions.

                            I was bullied at boarding school for 3 whole years by six boys. When I finally cracked they were all suspended and some were even expelled when they finished their exams but the overriding memory for me was one of them coming to see me and saying "will you tell the headmaster I was not as bad as the others because if I get suspended my dad will kill me" between tears. At that point I realised they were all cowards and I have become a very strong person because of it - but I am also intolerant of anyone who bullies.

                            So let me define what I think a bully is:

                            A person, or a group of people, who pursue a course of action intended to hurt against an individual, or a group of people, either through physical, mental or coercive means that continues beyond a single event or what is considered acceptable, and makes those individuals lose self esteem, confidence or to become unhappy over an extended period of time.

                            That is my definition, but I am no professional, just a lay-man.

                            Some people are different, stand out, or do something stupid that means other people react. That does not give anyone the right to pursue them beyond simple leg pulling. But then you need to ask yourself - Could my actions be going a step too far for an individual who may be more sensitive or vulnerable than I am?

                            It is easy to say that some people are pillocks, or over sensitive, or plonkers but they still have a right to co-exist peacefully with you. If you have to say to them "You annoy me, I don't like you so can we just ignore one another" then so be it. At least there is a mutual agreement about it.

                            I have no idea who this young lady is, or her story. I do know that there are three sides to her story, her side, the other people's side and somewhere in between the truth, but I have to say that to come on here and ask for advice from strangers means that she is very unhappy and needs some support. She has not said that she has played no part in what has happened but she feels she is being bullied, and that is enough for me to say that something is wrong.

                            At college we had a female cadet. She was a good laugh kept her distance from all the lads because she did not want to get a reputation and therefore became a "lesbian" or "frigid". Sure enough after a couple of years she ended up in a relationship with another cadet and as a consequence was called a "bike". It was never the case, but jealously and childish behavior meant that for the rest of her cadetship she was quiet and withdrawn.

                            Sorry, but in my mind it is not a simple case of some people being occasional "twats". We all know the difference when we see someone being more than that - but we sometimes choose not to speak out.

                            Ian
                            "Any damn fool can navigate the world sober. It takes a really good sailor to do it drunk." - Sir Francis Chichester.
                            "Waves are not measured in feet or inches, they are measured in increments of fear." - Buzzy Trent

                            "Careers at Sea" Ambassador - Experience of General Cargo, Combo ships, Tanker, Product Carrier, Gas Carrier, Ro-Ro, Reefer Container, Anchor Handlers.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Hatchorder View Post
                              At college we had a female cadet. She was a good laugh kept her distance from all the lads because she did not want to get a reputation and therefore became a "lesbian" or "frigid". Sure enough after a couple of years she ended up in a relationship with another cadet and as a consequence was called a "bike". It was never the case, but jealously and childish behavior meant that for the rest of her cadetship she was quiet and withdrawn.

                              Ian
                              Sounds like school to me... and it makes my blood boil.

                              I was bullied, including physically at primary school, and throughout my school career I was left out, mocked, teased, ostracised and pushed about by people who, while having no actual authority, felt they had a right to tell me who and what I was and how I should behave. There was never anything I could specifically pinpoint as big enough or specific enough to go to someone and say "I'm being bullied" But I was miserable. Utterly utterly miserable. Thinking about it now, and having made the decision NOT to be the scared quiet person in the corner when I went to uni, I realise that there were things I could have done to make my life then happier. Talking to someone about it would have been a start.

                              Size4riggerboots

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