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  • Dealing with unwanted attention from a fellow crewmember

    Hey guys, got a bit of an issue here, My girlfriend is currently at sea, the third engineer has taken a bit of a fancy to her, he was handing about on the bridge when she was on watch and admitted it to her, she was then put on the day watches which meant he could no longer hang about her, when he admitted to her she did tell him there is no chance etc but stayed polite towards him, she e-mailed me today and copied in an e-mail he sent to her. She is due to sign off in 10-11 days time now. She has asked for my advice but In all honesty I don't know what to tell her hence why I have come to you guys. The e-mail is below, I have replaced her name with 5 dots (.....) The e-mail is pasted below I am looking for thoughts, comments and ideas on what to do, the other cadet with her said to show it to the captain but she doesn't want him to get into trouble as shes due off anyway and she doesn't wants to esculate any further etc I think I have explained everything now

    hi .....
    how are you?
    tt's a few days to go and you will be go home!
    we will miss you and specially me i will be missing you so much!!!!
    ..... when you started on a day work i never had a chance to talk to you, unlike
    when you're on watch i had a little bit chance to visit and talk to you in the
    bridge. sometimes i see you alone and i justy want to talk to you even just for
    a while but
    there is no chance coz maybe you're avoiding me!
    i just want to say that I LIKE YOU!!!!!!!:-)
    i know that you don't like me but im just trying my luck and maybe someday it
    will be happen that you will be like me also. maybe just a dream!:-)
    ..... i dont want to regret for the rest of my life if i don't say what i really
    feel for you! you know i happy to see you and you're my inspiration!
    i know that you're tired coz you're always running on my mind every moment! and
    i know that i have no more chance to you and this will be hurt but's ok! that's
    life!
    i just want to say how i feel for you!!!!!!
    im very happy to say this to you!!!!
    i hope you can give a chance to talk to you so that i can say this all to you
    personally!!!
    take care always!!!!!!
    happy trip and enjoy your vacation!!!!!
    merry christmas and a happy new year!!!!!!!:-)
    can i have a copy of your phone # and e-mail add?

  • #2
    meh, one for the delete button me thinks, isnt threatening anything, being a pain in the butt is not actually against and rules or procedures, she seems pretty open and honest to you and to him, ie she's all yours / spoken for, for that be greatful.

    Relax, be kinda pleased some one else likes her, and well relax, getting all het up isnt going to get you anywhere, trust is the key and I think you can trust the girl...now go get her presents wrapped and be ready for her return.......
    Trust me I'm a Chief.

    Views expressed by me are mine and mine alone.
    Yes I work for the big blue canoe company.
    No I do not report things from here to them as they are quite able to come and read this stuff for themselves.


    Twitter:- @DeeChief

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    • #3
      Ok deeep breath fella. Relax.

      The fact that she's sent you this means that she's not going to go off with him. She's probably a bit creeped out by this guy and is turning to you for support.

      To be honest, as a woman at sea you just have to get used to this kind of thing from time to time. I'm NOT saying it's ok, and guys who try this kind of **** with me get an earful: it's disrespectful, it's sexist, it's unprofessional and it's just plain bloody annoying. But it happens.

      From the language and grammar in the message she received I'm guessing he's not British, guys from other countries have differing ideas about what women want, a lot of them assume that if you just keep hanging around a girl she will have to like them. For example on my ship, there's a couple of guys who keep trying to hold my hand, when told where to get off they say "Oh you english girls, you're so cold, the girls in Chile like it when you hold their hand, it's romantic" The answer they get is "Yeah well I have a boyfriend back home and he's the only person I get romantic with: YOU are my workmate. Behave like my workmate please". It takes some repeating but the message gets through eventually.

      It's awkward and squirmy and horrible when guys try this sort of ****, but the best thing she can do initially is have a very firm word with him. The points she needs to make are:

      * I HAVE A BOYFRIEND WHO I CARE ABOUT VERY MUCH AND WILL NEVER CHEAT ON

      * You are making me feel uncomfortable with your behaviour: This is unacceptable

      * If you would like to be friends you have to be more respectful to me

      * NO you cannot have my email or phone number. You may look for me on facebook (OPTIONAL!!)

      You say she has been polite and told him there's no chance. She's done absolutely the right thing, the guy will quite probably try again though, at which point she should warn him that it is unacceptable and if he does not cease his advance she will have to report him to her superior (the Chief Officer).

      Size4riggerboots

      Moderator
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      • #4
        If she doesn't want to get him in trouble, she had to once again be strong and firm with him and say that he is making her feel uncomfortable and there is definitely no chance. Also to warn him to back off otherwise she will escalate the issue to the Captain/Management. I'm guessing he's Filipino right?

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Chiefy View Post
          being a pain in the butt is not actually against and rules or procedures
          However persistent behaviour like this is harassment. Which is against the rules, no-one should have to work in an environment or with people that make them feel uncomfortable like this.

          Size4riggerboots

          Moderator
          Blog tWitterings Flickr Tumblr Faceache

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          • #6
            One would assume it was an email sent to a ships computer / works address - so chances are it was automatically copied to the head of department on receipt / sending... but as size4 has said, if it continues it constitutes harassment so tell her to speak to chief officer / whoever her DSTO is and it will promptly stop.
            ?Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn?t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.?

            ? Mark Twain
            myBlog | @alistairuk | flickr | youtube Views and opinions expressed are those of myself and not representative of any employer or other associated party.

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            • #7
              Thanks for the advice folks,

              I wasn't mad or anything, I just wanted some comments and advice from you all

              When I replied to her about it the first time, I did say it doesn't look threating or anything which is always good, I will pass on your advice on how to deal with it though as I wasn't sure myself, it takes her a wee while to get to the being firm stage with people but if you push her to much she will. She also came to me as I know what it's like on a ship except I don't know what it is like to be a female on a ship so was hard for me to really advise her on it thanks again folks

              Oh yeah, hes bulgarian I believe

              Better start wrapping these presents lol

              Comment


              • #8
                I would suggest that she speaks to him, explains once again that she isn't interested, doesn't appreciate the attention and finds it intimidating and that while she is prepared to leave it at that, she will be keeping hold of the e-mail and will take the matter further if he continues to bother her.

                Most people are aware of the consequences of sexual harassment and that should be enough to make him back off, if he then carries on, she needs to take it further.
                Go out, do stuff

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                • #9
                  The best advice I can give her is to learn to be firm from the outset. Take a bit of [email protected] from people and they'll give you more.

                  There's a lot of "banter" on ships that basically boils down to casual sexism, including behaviour like this which is very much like guys coming on to girls as they would in a bar, they think they're being fun and flirty... it's creepy.

                  It's easy to go along with it to be accepted as "one of the lads". If you stomp your feet and shout every time, guys have a tendancy to accuse you of being either a princess, a bitch, a trouble maker or a combination of all three. However, by laughing along with it you're essentially saying that it's alright, and it's not. I tend to go with ignoring it at first (don't give a reaction and they might get bored and go away), arched eyebrows follow, possibly with a "seriously?". Generally that always works for me, I must have very expressive eyebrows because I've never had to take it further!

                  Size4riggerboots

                  Moderator
                  Blog tWitterings Flickr Tumblr Faceache

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                  • #10
                    Let the captain deal with the matter. Simple as that.

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                    • #11
                      One deck cadet I know who got a bit too much "attention" from the 3rd Mate resolved it by slamming his head off a chart table a few times...

                      Although that's probably not the best course of action. I think S4 and that have all sufficiently covered it...
                      I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.....

                      All posts here represent my own opinion and not that of my employer.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Polaris View Post
                        Let the captain deal with the matter. Simple as that.
                        NO, don't do that. If you wish to escalate an issue, go to the person who is your direct superior, the person directly in charge of you. As a deckie this will probably be the Chief Officer, in the E/R the Chief Engineer. Use the hierarchy and chain of command properly, if needs be they will take it higher, or deal with it as they see fit. IF they don't take you seriously and refuse to address the problem, THEN go higher.

                        Captains are busy people, they will not appreciate cadet who comes running straight to them with a problem that could be dealt with by the ChOff or ChEng!! This applies to ANY problem you have on board.

                        Size4riggerboots

                        Moderator
                        Blog tWitterings Flickr Tumblr Faceache

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                        • #13
                          Fully agree with s4 although for the engine room the second engineer normally deals with all things gadget.

                          To be honest I would suggest that she (and any other cadet who finds themselves in this position) deals with it herself at this stage, tell him directly that his attention is not wanted and then take it further after that.
                          Go out, do stuff

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                          • #14
                            If he emailed this to her why does he ask for her email address at the end?

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                            • #15
                              works address may not be home address, the borg give you an address on ship which is yours forever and follows you from ship to ship BUT it does not work on leave and does not save mail for when you are back at sea either.

                              As for Captains been busy....Ditto Chief's as Clanky says 2/e is go to man in the first instance for engineers of either sex who are facing issues, though most Chiefs are approachable, try to time it right, middle of a blackout or stressful bunkering may not get you the help you want or need

                              And just what the heck is casual sexism? Having read with increasing alarm the Daily Mail it seems that pretty much any comment ever made can be construed as either casual sexism or casual racisim or some other -ism as yet un named. there has to be a tolerance level somewhere, though this chap seems to be way past it and needs putting back down a little
                              Trust me I'm a Chief.

                              Views expressed by me are mine and mine alone.
                              Yes I work for the big blue canoe company.
                              No I do not report things from here to them as they are quite able to come and read this stuff for themselves.


                              Twitter:- @DeeChief

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